Show Yourself Some Compassion
Show Yourself Some Compassion
I’d like to give you the gift of self-compassion this holiday season. Most of us are way too hard on ourselves. We self-flagellate with whips of conformity & criticism. “You MUST do all of the societal ‘its’ or you’re a complete and utter failure,” we hear someone scream at us, only to realize we are the ones screaming.
You may have heard the story about elephants who have been attached to stakes with strong chains when babies. They cannot move past the end of the chain. By the time they get to be teen elephants, they no longer have to be chained with anything other than a flimsy rope because they’ve been mentally trained to believe they are still shackled by a strong chain. Otherwise, they would break free …
Same thing happens to us humans.
The next time you start to beat yourself up — and even the most enlightened among us still does from time to time — remember that you aren’t wearing chains. (Look down right now. See, no chains.)
You are free to do what you want and it’s o.k. You don’t have to be perfect because no one in the history of humankind has ever been.
Most of the angst in the world comes from us not measuring up to the part of us that still thinks the chains are on. Mental chains are just as dangerous as physical chains. I speak from experience here. For many years I had a hard time showing others compassion because I could not show it to myself. If you find yourself fixating on someone or something else, follow the imaginary chains back to the source of the angst. Chances are quite good, you’re not showing yourself compassion — and this is how it manifests.
Instead of being hard on yourself, try being soft on yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the everyday hero/heroine you are.
Last weekend, I went to a karaoke night with my husband. The words to the song “Hang Onto Your Love” started to disintegrate on screen. I had no idea what they said and didn’t know the song well enough to sing without them. So, I started waiving hello at Jimmy, shrugging my shoulders, pointing to the screen laughing and ad libbing.
Fifteen years ago I would have been mortified. I would have left for the night. Now, I show compassion to myself in such silly situations by looking for the humor.
Much of what we dread becomes hilarious through the lens of self-compassion!
In the coming weeks try to talk to yourself like you’re someone in need of a kind word. Maybe even stop a few times a day and say to yourself, “Are you o.k.?” Listen for the response. If it isn’t “yes,” the invisible chains may still be on.
What about some of you thoughtful readers, do you have ideas how we can all show ourselves and then perhaps each other compassion? How might that make for a gentler world?
Muse thx, Giulietta
P.S. Wishing you a holiday filled with giving and thanks!
RSS
My dad calls it “being human” demonstrating compassion for others… and last week I wrote about compassion in that it seems that we have forgotten compassion as part of the human experience and now have to “teach” it to our kids (which some are doing and others aren’t)… and why is that anyway? I mean, why isn’t compassion something that is just part of who we are?
And then there is giving compassion to ourselves – taking that time to say “yes, this is hard” and giving ourselves kindness and love and compassion without conditions – treating ourselves as we would treat our beloved child or partner.
I too join in wishing everyone compassion for themselves – and for you to, Giulietta
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Hi TE,
It does sound sad that we have to teach compassion. What I’m wondering is if we “unteach” it and then have to “reteach” it. How can that not be natural? I agree with what you are saying. I’ve noticed that most little kids seem very caring. Do you think we unlearn compassion? I will swing by your blog and try and find that post.
thank you! G.
> the gift of self-compassion
Sounds like a great gift with or without a bow.
> looking for the humor
That’s always been the key in my life. I learned long ago not to take life too seriously or you’ll never get out alive.
Hey J.D.,
The best gifts still remain free, yet we tend to be stingy with them. Instead of spending gobs of money on the ones that folks don’t really want or need.
You are so right that if we take life too seriously we can’t be or feel alive.
thx, Giulietta
i think we’re all in need of a kind word. We’re all so harsh on ourselves. Our Inner Critics are running amok, I say!!
It’s so true that we’re often our own Jailers. A shame really – because if we were to all unleash the wonder of who we all are ~ the world would not know what hit it (in a fantastic way) …
Hi Sally,
Maybe the schools could stop teaching to the tests and start teaching to the wonder? To not kill it, so it can live on in each of us. Why are we so afraid of wonder?
Lovely comment, thanks! G.
Thanks, G! I needed this post today. I’m very hard on myself… even when I don’t mean to be.
Hey Angie,
Here’s to going soft on yourself today! You’re more terrific than you may realize. Thanks, G.
Too right, G. That whole “charity begins at home” thing was never more true than how we treat ourselves in our own heads.
Have you ever seen this animation produced by the RSA in England? If not, treat yourself… It’s fun, amazing and a wonderful talk all about empathy.
Hi Michael,
We need this charity at home, don’t we? Love the video. Yes, I agree that we are soft-wired and what appears to be hard-wired aggression is passed down through the generations – so it could be changed.
The idea to think like an extended family makes total sense. Let’s start! I’m going to today.
Thx for the video, Giulietta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7AWnfFRc7g
Link didn’t work… Let’s try again
What a lovely reminder, Julie. I absolutely love Sally G’s comment.
I am in training for learning self-compassion and trust. Today I posted a message to me from the Mean Grrrl who sits in my head. It’s not pretty. It’s harsh, but she taught me a valuable lesson … COMPASSION and trust in myself.
Hi Lori,
Sally G. says wonderful things. She’s a great muse!
Love the title of your post. Will take a wander over and see what the mean girl says. We all have a mean girl or boy up there. I’m trying to recall the age I first noticed that voice up there. For the longest time I thought I was the only one! Appreciate your comment! Thx, G.
Giulietta this is such a beautiful and important post. It’s amazing how beating up on ourselves starts to become a reflex and we do it so much that we don’t even realize we’re doing it! I love the idea of checking in with yourself throughout the day, asking “are you OK?” Because you’re so right–if we can’t give a kind word to ourselves, we can’t give it to anybody.
Thanks for the reminder.xoxo
Hi Cathy,
Welcome back!
Great definition — beating ourselves up can be a reflex. Easy to take out the whips, hard to put them away.
Hmm. Reflexes – that would make a good blog post. thanks for the cross muse … G.
This is one of the most compelling post I ever studied in a long time, I’m speaking about this component of your post or something else, follow the imaginary chains back to the source of the angst. Chances are quite good, this is it, you just smashed it down pal.
Dear Get Over An Ex,
Glad the imaginary chains spoke to you. Funny how imaginary things can feel so real!
G.
Giulietta, I read this at just the right moment in my life. I’ve been berating myself for not having achieved much in the writing field despite having started off very young. I have all the excuses – I had a demanding career, had to support two kids on my own, no time, survival came/comes first, etc. – but that doesn’t still the clamoring voice of how could she/he achieve so much and I be left behind? It’s my own fault, I didn’t try hard enough, and so on. I’m getting fed up with that voice especially now that it’s telling me, hey, you’re getting too old to ever fulfill your writing dreams.
So, as you say, when that voice starts getting shrill, I need to show some self compassion. It’s hard but I have to.
Hey Penelope!
You’re a fantastic writer. It’s never too late to do anything in life. Some folks start thinking that way in their twenties … Just societal training to keep us happy shopping for junk in the mall instead of living an engaged life.
You could write about your above post! Thanks G.