Teen dating violence in a small town
Over the weekend, a murder happened in the small town I grew up. Allegedly, a young man referred to as a star athlete (football/track) slashed/strangled his ex-girlfriend’s throat most likely in his parents’ garage. They’d dated for three years before she broke up with him a few months back. Reports suggest he’d become withdrawn and angry post breakup. Yet, she remained friends with him and agreed to meet him after work. Perhaps, she wanted to keep the peace. Perhaps, she didn’t sense the impending danger. Perhaps she never believed he’d hurt her.
A bicyclist found her body dumped in a peaceful marsh the next morning. It’s one of those desolate spots that has a kind of eerie kind of beauty. Like parts of The Everglades.
Beautiful girl. Beautiful boy. Beautiful futures. Ugly ending.
The local prosecutor called it another example of “teen dating violence” — a term I’d never heard before yesterday. It got me thinking about the spate of promising women killed by their young ex-boyfriends, a trend that appears to be escalating.
Since, I don’t recall anyone being murdered or even beaten up by their boyfriends during my high school or college years, I do wonder what’s driving what appears to be a real surge. A 2008 report conducted by Liz Claiborne and the site Loveisrepect.org did indeed show disturbing increases in teen dating violence. Also, corroborated at Live Strong.com where I found these teen dating stats.
“About one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship. Forty percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.”
I wonder what’s escalating it. Violent movies//video? US Wars? Early sex? More intense and time consuming organized sports? Empowerment of young women? Disempowerment of young men? Inflexible male gender roles? Political correctness? Pressures to excel at every turn in a young person’s life road?
I’ve been stalked myself a few times post college and it isn’t pretty. Nothing more unsettling than having a guy jump out of the bushes or confront you in a darkened hallway mumbling something about what a cold-hearted bitch you are. My gut told me to stay calm, that it would be the only way to get out of a troubling situation. It’s sad the caring young woman who went to New Orleans three times to help out after Katrina didn’t get out of hers.
Thoughts on teen dating violence and its causes? Thx, G.
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I’ve always wondered about movie (and video) violence. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen stats on this, but can’t remember where – but it feels very possible that seeing something violent repeatedly lowers your natural revulsion for it…that’s my two cents.
Sorry to read this story – how awful for everyone connected – I hope the town you grew up in has people involved in helping people deal with the horror…
Hi Karen,
From what I’ve been reading, the town has lots of places for people to deal with their grief, confusion and dating abuse problems. I’m imagine it’s going to open up some badly needed dialogue about what constitutes abuse.
I kept saying to myself, “What was this young man thinking.” If found guilty, he’ll be in prison for the rest of his natural life. A girl breaking up with him will seem pretty insignificant compared to life behind bars with no parole.
Thx, G.
Hi Giulietta,
What a sad story. Why on earth, after three years dating, and a supposedly friendly breakup, would this boy’s violent streak emerge? Despite my abhorrence of violent films and videos and their effects on young people, I’m more inclined to think it was either a case of a repressed violent nature that emerged with maturity and/or mental illness (that also seems to be on the rise), which often rears its ugly head in the late teens/early twenties.
That said, I think that violence is inherent in men’s (more than women’s) nature, in their genes since prehistoric times, and full-blown over thousands of years of battle and combat when killing was an every day thing/expected of them. The veneer of “civilization” is thin – maybe only two hundred years old or less in some cases – and this is proven all the time when soldiers (even ours) do dreadful things to subjugated people. This does not excuse the young man who will undoubtedly spend the rest of his life behind bars, but it is an explanation of sorts for all the pent-up violence that seems to be spreading like a contagion. This didn’t happen as much when we were younger maybe because my/your generations were more directly affected by WWII and Vietnam, and as a result, young people were preaching and practicing and singing about peace and kindness.
Hi Penelope,
I didn’t even think of mental illness. Yet, it must have been on some level to do something so horrible. The details get gorier by the day. Something you’d see on one of those CSI shows for sure.
And your point about pent-up violence speaks to me as well. I know if you mention the violence in certain sports some folks will levitate, but it’s there. That in concert with these younger generations being denied time to play as children – it feels like a violent emotional volcano about to erupt.
Thx, G.
I read something fascinating once in a National Geographic magazine (I believe that is the correct source, I’m not finding it online), but it talked about how there is a huge correlation between cultures with repressive approaches to teen sexuality (ours) and violence, patriarchy, and top-down leadership. In cultures with open attitudes about teen sexuality, there are fewer sex related crimes, cultures are more equality-based, and are more collaborative. It was an amazing perspective.
Here’s an amazing look at how Europeans treat teens, love and sex: http://www.slate.com/id/2272631/
Hi Jenna,
The NG articles makes complete sense. We’ve got some weird U.S. attitudes toward sex for folks of all ages, especially teens. If you repress something normal it will rear its head in some very ugly ways.
I wish we’d stop going faster and faster in the same direction. We’re supposed to be this innovative country, yet we peddle backwards on so many socialissues.
Teens are more adults than children, despite what folks think. Yet, we treat them like elementary school kids.
They’re in limbo until 18-21, getting “trained” for work. No wonder it’s a crazy time of life.
You always add really delicious info to the chat here. Many thx, G.
I guess, violence in general has been on a rise in the past decade. People are growing more and more impatient each day… they seem to want to have it all…everyone was a great personal life, a successful professional life, money, fame…all at once… and we all know, this kinda balance doesn’t come easy. I guess the larger than life images that advertisements, movies, sitcoms portray these days, leads young people to believe that even one little thing gone wrong, is a huge failure.
In India, in the last 5 years, I’ve heard and read such horrific stories of young couples (20 somethings) working in IT industries and Call centers (BPO’s), killing each other ruthlessly for such silly reasons… break-up’s, suspected affairs, family issues of non-acceptance of the boy/girl… it’s just unbelievable, how people in relationships for years can treat each other like this.
In India, until people finish their graduation and many a times even after that, if you find a job in the same city, people continue to stay with their parents….and parents/relatives kinda have a say in your life…so teen issues are not a huge problem here, but yes, 20-something is the age here for all the things that are happening in the west in the teen years.
I was in Malaysia recently, and I was hearing and reading about so many teen suicides/ depression cases…all because of failed love…
Hi Chaitra,
It’s important to hear what’s happening in young love relationships on the other side of the world.
I’m shocked by what’s going on. Thought it was a just US problem.
Perhaps, if young folks led more meaningful lives love relationships might not take on such importance. We go to college, etc, finally get out to find most of the jobs that await us are fairly mundane jobs — like call centers. Again, so-called entry level jobs can make folks crazy as well. Most of them feel like a complete misuse of brain power.
I keep wondering why we’ve got such a dumbed down economy. And young adults spend 40 hours a week doing mental drudgery. I had jobs that required a masters degree, yet the jobs could have be done by an eight grader.
I understand the pressure to “find someone” in early adulthood – it nearly drove me mad because no other options seemed available. If it’s your whole life and it doesn’t work out, it can rattle the psyche further.
Can we start braining up our economy?
Thanks for the info!
G.