Walking Ten Miles in Someone Else’s Shoes
It’s easy to judge someone else. It’s much harder to not judge them and try to walk ten miles in his/her shoes. Do I always do this? No. I’d be lying if I tried to pass myself off as this perfect human that never puts on a judge’s face. Do I try and work on it? Yes. It can be hard but I “usually” make an attempt to figure out what’s going on, to try and “seek to understand” as Steven Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
When I reach out to try and understand, receive an emotionally corrective response and still face the same behavior, I sometimes come to the realization that I may not be able to understand and need to walk away.
Back in 2005, I asked a good friend to listen to my WGBH/NPR Story It Came From Out of Google (listen if you like) because she missed the broadcast. It would have taken 10 minutes tops. She said she’d have to expend some extra effort to find a computer that could play the recording and didn’t seem willing to do so. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand the big deal. I’d made time for her on many occasions that required quite a bit of effort. (An eye for a friendship eye, right?)
My big mistake? Trying to seek to “understand” via email. I got some over-the-top responses to my emails asking her to listen to it. Then I followed suit and replied in the heat of annoyance. Needless to say, it spiraled out of friendship control. I thought, “I should call and straighten this out on the phone.” For whatever reason, I didn’t think I’d get a friendly response based on the emails and wimped out on the more direct route.
So, I decided to send a real letter. It might not have been a perfect letter, but I apologized for trying to “seek to understand” via email. Said I’d never do that again. I thought I’d extended a metaphorical olive branch. Surprisingly, I received an unpleasant email accusing me of all sorts of friendship faux pas’s in both the emails and the letter. For instance, that I had no right to demand that she watch it. (Me demanding? No. Maybe. Yes? Oops.)
All I thought I wanted to do was share a story I was proud of. (Or was it something else, something subliminal?) Have had some serious struggles with my speaking voice in mid-life (another post) and overcame them enough to do this show and sing again. Clearly, neither one of us were walking ten miles in the other’s shoes or the outcome might have been different.
Lessons learned?
a) Only ask tough questions in person or on the phone. Email/texting can take on any intonation my reader wishes to assign it.
b) Know that sometimes I will never understand where another person is coming from and vice versa.
c) Show myself some mercy when friendships break down. Even though I think it’s something I’ve done, it may be baggage the person continues to carry around (that conflicts with my baggage).
d) Realize that we’re all probably crazy and doing the best we can at any given moment.
An area where many women have problems “seeking to understand” is with their own mothers. I tend to meet two types of women: Women who get along fabulously with their mothers and women who have a history of clashing with their mothers. I fall in the latter category as did my mother with her mother and my grandmother with her mother, and so on back through my family’s history.
In honor of Mother’s Day and my ongoing attempts to walk ten miles in someone else’s shoes, especially my mother’s, I’m co-offering (with poetry crusader Cheryl Perreault and special guest singer-songwriter Kim Jennings) a life shop in Hopkinton, Ma, on Saturday, May 7th called, “Making Peace With Our Mothers: Mending the Mother-daughter Rift Through Poetry, Prose and Perspective.“ If you live in the Greater Boston area and would like to join us, please click on the title link.
For everyone else, how do you “seek to understand” those you have conflicts with and have any of those attempts gone completely berserk?
Thx, G.
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To your last question, yes. But for all my friendships that have stood the test of time, we agree on d)we’re all probably crazy and doing the best we can at any given moment.
Great post!
Hi Angie,
There’s great comfort in d)! Once we admit we’re all a bit loony and flawed it takes the pressure off the need to be stepford folks. Thx for stopping by, G.
Giulietta,
Very true…But if we just leave close equations out of the loop and take random people around, people at work who may be just acquaintances……we just need to develop a sense of empathy. I know this is A LOT easier than done. 🙂
So what I try to do is, whenever I have an opinion about anything major or trivial, I think abt it , yes….but I try my best not be vocal about it.
Because sometimes we just cling on to our opinions/biases, just because we’ve been vocal abt them.
Judging is not uncommon, it’s human tendency….but what you do with that judgement, I guess, that is what matters.
Chaitra
Hi Chaitra,
Like your point about clinging to opinions/biases — they do tend to stay with us once we make them public.
Empathy is another one of those qualities like listening that one almost never hears about during the formative years — unless you have a parent who talks about it.
I was in my twenties before I took the one and only listening class I’ve ever seen offered.
thx, G!
An interesting subject that I’m certain will evoke a variety or responses/reactions in everyone who reads it. We’ve all had conflicts – or misunderstandings? – of the sort you described. 10 minutes of time listening to a friend’s broadcast doesn’t seem like much but I can relate to that. I have a friend who is promoting her play (that I’ve seen 4 times) but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to watch her 5 min. video. Maybe because watching vs. reading implies another type of involvement.
Online friendships can be tricky and fraught with misunderstandings. I’ve been commenting on some people’s almost daily blog posts to support their efforts, while they haven’t bothered to leave a comment on my blog posts. So that’s annoying. I’ve had arguments with people who took umbrage over my word choice and even someone who recommended therapy after I expressed some strong opinions.
It’s unfortunate that people can be so judgmental or easy to take offence where none was intended.
Hi Penelope,
What is a conflict anyway? Now that you mention it, I wonder what’s really going on with these things. It seems to be when people don’t do things you want them to or they do things you don’t want them to. But is it really because people just won’t come out and say that? Like, “I don’t want to listen to your stupid radio show?”
I know what you mean about folks not returning the comment favor. I make a gallant attempt to leave comments on fellow writer’s blogs who leave comments on mine. Is that because I went to Filene’s Charm School and learned etiquette, something that younger folks might not have been exposed to?
Not sure. It’s definitely a way to support each other. I’ve also noticed some bloggers do not respond to comments and I’m not sure why. Everyone keeps saying it’s social media, yet there’s often not much social interaction. It depends on the blogger.
It often feels like they don’t care about their readers, so then I start not caring about their blog and don’t return.
Maybe someone needs to open an on-line etiquette school?
Thx, G.
Giulietta,
I love the exploration into this idea of seeking to understand.
I’ve come to believe, that deep down, we all have a desire to be understood. And when I do this (authentically), I create a trust and bond with another soul. From that space, we can have differences, and yet still be “understood”. What a gift that is, when I “choose” to do this…
Thank you so, so much for discussing this topic and for opening me up to taking even deeper steps into this idea of understanding.
Much love,
Lance
Hi Lance,
Great to have you stop by again! Will check out your latest post.
I really agree with you that we humans want to be understood – perhaps more than anything. Yet, it’s one of the hardest things to undertake with another human because we bring such complexities to even a simple conversation.
People start reacting to the reaction of the reacting, and so on.
It’s really about taking the time to listen and empathize with another. Not something that’s rewarded, yet the rewards to our world would be phenomenal.
Thx. G.
Giulietta,
I have a friend who has never ever read one of my blog posts and refuses to even respond when I mention anything about it. I completely understand about what you went through with your friend. I listen to her tell me about her accomplishments and am truly happy for her, but for the life of me I cannot understand why she puts up such a wall about my blog? We do talk on the phone and she asks me what’s new – but her response is always a cursory, “Oh, that’s good.” Then just awkward silence. Strange?
I guess we can’t always know what’s going on with a person can we?
I’m going to listen to your NPR story now. By the way, I’m one of the women who don’t get along real well with their mothers too!
Angela, it’s comforting to know that other women have had similar friend issues. It must be frustrating to not feel supported. Why not encourage one another?
Thanks for listening to my Google story. I loved doing that! Lots of fun recording in the studio because it involves “voice acting.”
Many of us women have trying mother relationships. I’m always amazed how many successful actresses seem to be disconnected from their mothers. Often, they only seem to connect at the mother’s deathbed.
Appreciate you taking the time to listen to my story! That’s all it really is, a small gift of time. G.
I loved It Came From Google. Very entertaining! It was good to hear your voice as well.
Giulietta,
I was glad you wrote about this. About a month ago my friend from 5th grade and I started to have a fight through e-mail. (She moved away in sixth grade, so we’ve maintained a long distance friendship for over 30 years.)
We have these fights every few years and one of the things we keep learning is that we cannot get to the heart of the matter unless we pick up the phone and talk it through…no matter how scary that might be.
This time, I was probably the one more at fault, so when the words started to get really harsh I picked up the phone, unfortunately got the answering machine, but left a message anyway in which I said that I would not respond to anymore e-mail messages but would be happy to talk it out instead. And…we did.
I find that when I hear the sound of someone else’s voice it is hard not to be able to empathize. No matter how angry I am and how convinced I am that my truth is THE truth, my resolve softens when I hear someone else speaking from their truth. This softened place is often where I find common ground and a willingness to loosen my grip on my convictions and am willing to embrace a new way of seeing the situation.
I love social media, but after 30 years I have found that some conversations are best had over the phone…and when time and money make it possible…in person!
Thanks for taking the courage to write this post. It reminded me that I am not alone and that my friend and I are not the only two friends who have these problems from time to time.
Teri,
Appreciate your story. Social Media makes it too easy to yell at people you care about. I’m glad you and your friend picked up the phone and salvaged your friendship. I imagine that many friendships have been lost by trying to communicate important thoughts and feelings via email/texting, etc.
Truth has at least three sides: your side, the other person’s side and what really happened.
Thanks! G.
Your comments about the friendship that went out of control resonates with me, as does the aspect of it connecting with trying to reach out and correct it via e-ail.
This past fall I asked a friend (one whom I have known since Middle School) for a ride when I very suddenly and unexpectedly needed one. She agreed and came to pick me up.
This person and I worship in the same place, and I noticed that she seemed to be avoiding me. I approached her in person and asked if there was a problem between us. “This is not the place to have a conversation” was the response. So, the next day I e-mailed her, apologizing for whatever wrong I had done, indicating that I did not know what it was and that whatever it was it was inadvertent. That began a tirade that somehow connected back to my asking her for help. And the more I tried to explain myself, the more vitriolic the responses became. I finally did not respond and just deleted the entire string of e-mails.
From reading your post and thinking about the situation I had been in, I realize that in my case, and probably in yours as well, no form of communication would have changed the outcome. The person I was dealing with was determined to be right regardless of anything that I said.
In a way, even though it was painful and saddening, the whole exchange was a blessing. I am always happy to help out someone who is having a hard time, but I don’t have time for anyone who is determined to be negative at all costs. Perhaps that is harsh, but life is too short to dwell in misery and darkness and be sucked into those black holes.
Hey Anne,
There are times you just can’t work things out for reasons the other person won’t divulge. And we do need to move on and find other folks to hang out with. I’ve heard similar stories where a call for help resulted in a change in the friendship. Not sure why. As my husband says, “the hardest person to communicate with is the one that won’t talk to you.”
I also want to stay out of those bottomless black holes! Way to dark in there … Appreciate the thoughtful comment. G.