Do you bite your tongue too often?
Hey rebellious ones,
I see people biting their tongues all the time. They don’t agree with what’s being said, yet they do not feel comfortable expressing their opinions. Why? Because we’ve gotten messages from a variety of sources since childhood that encourages us to muffle our opinions. People tell us
a) nice people don’t disagree
b) it will make things worse
c) you’ll upset the other person
d) your boss will fire you
e) you’ll be disliked
f) It’s impossible to express your opinion in a compassionate way.
I found most of these to be false. Speaking up can not only make you feel more powerful, but also improve your relationships with others. How can a friendship survive if one of the friends harbors secret anger at the other? Would you like it if your friend acted weird towards you but kept saying “nope, everything’s fine” when you asked him or her if anything was bothering them?
Frankly, I believe most of us are afraid of our own power, afraid of what our power can do. So, we hide from it and choose the so called safe path. Ironically, it’s really the more dangerous path — for it endangers your health, your dreams, and your happiness.
Opportunities to speak up surround you
You can write a letter to the editor or an opinion piece.
You can join an in-person discussion group on topics of interest.
You can ask a friend out to lunch and reveal something that’s been bothering you.
You can clear some air with a family member that’s been causing you stress.
You can ask a telemarketer to please not call you anymore.
You can write a song.
The more you learn to speak up, the less stressful your life will be.
Muse thx,
Giulietta
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I think one of the reasons I don’t speak up sooner (and as a result, blow up, later) is because I struggle with finding a “compassionate way” to speak my truth. But it really is pretty simple to do, if I just take a step back and really think about how I feel and want I really want to say.
Despite being paralyzed from the neck down I still have what I call “verbal independence”. I believe that everyone has the right (and responsibility) to have a say, share opinions and speak their mind.
I find that in my unique situation I have to bite my tongue so often it’s a wonder I still have any tongue left. I have to be so careful not to offend the very people I rely on to take care of my physical needs.
It’s sometimes tough to find that balance.
Giulietta –
Speaking up is a way to share our authenticity with the world. There is no need to bring judgment, aggression or negative emotion to bear. Stating our truth clearly and without fear is such a powerful way to shape the world around us, and inspire others to action. Great post – thank you!
Phil
Hi! Thanks to all of you for stopping by and leaving your wonderful thoughts.
Angie, I too used to blow up “later.” I took this assertiveness training class where the instructor advised us to say something the first time it bothered us. If you wait until the “next” time then it becomes the third time, ad infinitum and then you run the risk of just losing it all over someone and s/he thinks, “what’s up with her?” They have no idea, we’ve been steaming for three weeks!
Tracy, I hear you about finding balance, especially with your situation. We’ve all got just so much time and energy. Someone said, “pick your battles wisely.” Learning to not sweat the small stuff is another post for me to write. Maybe next week? Love the term verbal independence!
Phil, I couldn’t agree more with your line to state our truth clearly and without fear.” I agree it’s the fear of speaking your truth more than your truth itself that can turn situations ugly!
Giulietta
You always get the best comments, Giulietta.
There’s a quote I love, usually attributed to Einstein, that goes something like: “If two people in the same room share all of the same opinions, one of them doesn’t need to be there. ”
We learn and grow by having our assumptions challenged and by looking for ways in which we can be stretched. Those assumptions may not always change when challenged, but whether they are proven accurate or erroneous, we only become better through the process. Another favorite quote by Descartes says that “If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.”
If this is true, then we all have a responsibility to share our perspectives, fairly and compassionately, whenever we have an appropriate opportunity.
As always, thanks for sharing.
Hi Michael,
Love that Einstein quote. Never heard it before. And also the Descartes one. Our world becomes dangerous when we stop sharing our perspectives! Without this sharing there can be no compromise.
Glad you stopped by! Giulietta