Are You Willing To Be Unpopular?
Hey friends,
I wasn’t popular in high school. Just kinda did my own neurotic thing. Yet I remained keenly aware of the popular kids. Usually, they were cheerleaders or athletes, rarely theater folks or geeks or the dead languages-speaking crowd. They all looked good and inter-dated. Once one of the good looking athletes broke up with his cheerleader girlfriend to go out with a brainy girl. Man, did he and his new girl take a lot of abuse for dating outside the flock!
That’s one of the main problems with being popular — to keep the label you have to conform to what the group wants you to do. So much so that I believe it may have driven some popular kids off the deep end a bit later in life.
Popularity can come at a creative cost. You may notice this with certain authors. They write a great first book that throws caution to the wind. Once fame has been tasted, the next books never seem to live up to the first one. I believe it’s fear of taking the same risk they took to write the first fantastic book. Fame/popularity can hold you hostage. To semi-paraphrase Thoreau and toss in something new, to live the life you’ve imagined, you may need to risk being unpopular. Social safety just doesn’t cut if you want to do something revolutionary. When you step away from the crowd, the crowd will not like it. They don’t like seeing their own go off on their own. It requires a tough skin when the insults start coming your way.
Yet, these social, artistic and idea rebels are the ones that move the world in new directions. If no one ever disobeyed and tried to do something differently, life would stagnate in the land of status quo and grave injustices would continue. Think about the first women who wanted to vote. I’m sure they got a lot of flack from men and women.
For myself, I’ve noticed that the only time I build courage is when I step out of line and risk being most unpopular, when I speak up about something that doesn’t make sense to me. Ernest Hemingway said, “In order to be a great writer, a person must have a built-in, shock proof crap-detector.” I’d like to expand that to be a person who changes the world in any way. Mine has always been very sensitive. If something in the popular picture doesn’t “feel” right, mine starts screaming at me to say or do something!
And I do. Does this make me unpopular? Usually. People will often attack me or get all defensive. When that happens I know that I’ve hit a status quo nerve and to keep going in this new direction.
Have any of you thoughtful readers taken an unpopular stance to make the world a different place? Thx. G.
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I was painfully unpopular in high school, except among the thespian/band class crowd. Even there – mostly tolerated and appreciated for my adolescent-laconic-syndrome more than anything else. “He stays quiet good” was a theme in yearbooks.
That was all unintentional though. These days, like you, I stay out on the socio-ideological fringes by choice. Groupthink scares me. I’d rather be wrong alone than with a bunch of other people, if you know what I mean.
Nietzsche said, “Madness is rare in individuals – but in groups, parties, nations, and ages it is the rule.” I spread my debate and reading net wide, but the homeys are few and deeply trustworthy. When I take a stand, I don’t expect to have company, but I’m always pleasantly surprised by the quality of people I end up standing with.
Isn’t that strange…
Thanks G. As always, you ask amazing questions.
Hey Michael,
Great lines you’ve written here: “When I take a stand, I don’t expect to have company, but I’m always pleasantly surprised by the quality of people I end up standing with.”
I’ve noticed the same thing, when I take a stand some amazing people stand next to me. Hey, my blog gets some of the most thoughtful comments I’ve read on the Internet!
Thx for maverick comment. G.
I suppose it to be a function of a small high school and being “different” anyway as I just didn’t care. I was a cheerleader for two years but that didn’t make me popular just as not being a cheerleader didn’t change my status. I now raise a daughter who is definitely a bit “out of the box” and is an artist/theater/dancer and an athlete. I have a feeling that she won’t be the most popular girl in the class… and that doesn’t bother me nor does it seem to bother her.
With popularity comes the desire to fit in and to be like everyone else – it is as if we are competing to “be.” And it doesn’t change when we leave high school or college as there are traces of that some drive in society – living in the right zip code, attending the right events, being invited to the right parties…and to do this we wear the clothes and drive the cars and buy the “stuff” rather than being ourselves.
There is a freedom to not being popular… to going with the heart over the flow or the status quo…
Hi TE,
I knew some of my readers would be ex-cheerleaders! You are so right about traces of popularity following us after high school.
Now that you mention it, living in the right zip code is a perfect example of that. I grew up in a town that got a gushing response when I said the name. Sometimes it felt embarrassing. Today, I live in a town that doesn’t get any response. I love my town because of that! It’s a wild and crazy place filled with fiery folks.
I agree with the freedom that comes from not being popular. It does enable you to do your own thing with less squawking from the sidelines. Thx G.
Love this!
One of the things I love about writing is that it constantly stretches me to get brave and write the controversial stuff I think.
My last post was actually about this- about how the personal growth work we do on ourselves is very much about strengthening us so that we are able to do the unpopular things our authentic self longs to do.
Hugs to you,
t
Hi Tara,
Thanks for stopping in again. Will check out your intriguing post soon!
You’re so right — writing helps flesh out our brave side and build courage muscles. It’s a good way to develop a thick skin, something a person needs if s/he wants to follow her/his own heart. Otherwise, you just end up living someone else’s life. In my experience, it’s far more painful to be trapped in your own cage then to come out of the cage and face a combo of praise and criticism. A lot of criticism is the other person’s secret wish to get out of his/her cage. Thx. G.
Hi Giulietta – Hmmm, I think I was in all three of those high school crowds you mention: theatre folks, geeks, and dead-language-speakers. Well, maybe French isn’t a dead language, but it seems like it when everyone else is learning Spanish. Your wonderful post reminds me that not only is it courageous to be unpopular and go against the norm, but it’s also usually where you find the creative juice, the cutting edge. I’ve always been a strange combo of non-conformist/good girl, and these days I’m getting mentoring from a rebel who’s challenging me to embrace not needing to fit in. Just what I need right now. And I laughed at the Hemmingway quote. I’ve always considered myself to have a good BS detector, and in recent years I’ve been much more willing to let that out.
Hey Patty,
Finding the “creative juice,” — that’s brilliant and true. How can folks be creative if they’re trapped inside the status quo chamber? If anything, they’re gasping for creative air because it’s so crowded. The BS Detector is another great title. In my other company — the design one — I encourage my clients to create REAL business titles for themselves. Can you imagine your biz card with BS Detector under your name? Says way more than “Vice President of Meetings.” Thx, G.
> They write a great first book that throws caution to the wind.
There’s always something powerful about untamed creative expression … and it’s never the same as the bashful, timid, and tailored kind.
Hi J.D.
Untamed is one of my favorite words. We are animals and too much taming makes us feel caged up and crazy. Kinda like the sad zoo animals I see that pace back and forth with no where to go. Think you’re on to something with tailored creative expression not being powerful. We’ve all seen creative works that needed a shot of adrenaline …
Thx. G.
Oh wow, this is a great post. The question, what will others think, does more harm to our creativity and ourselves than just about anything I can think of! Yay for being unpopular!
Hey Charlotte,
Your first name reminds me of one of my favorite childhood books “Charlotte’s Web.” Every day the teacher would read us another delicious chapter. Always take care of spiders because of that …
Being unpopular is now popular! What will we do to stay unpopular?
Thx. G.
Hi Giulietta,In school, I never cared much about being popular, always preferred to do my own thing. This attitude has dogged my life.
I believe popularity attracts bloodsuckers – people who make too many demands on your personal life and time – the same as being famous, which can also have its drawbacks for serious writers. This might be a partial explanation why some authors write fantastic first books and duds as follow-ups – all the attention they get and have to give to the first, though I think it’s as much due to the time pressures placed on them by avaricious publishers and agents to finish the second and third books.
On occasion I’ve taken an unpopular stance (like against the Iraq invasion) only to be beaten over the head by some loud-mouthed, opinionated “I’m right so you have to be wrong” bully. However, when faced by an injustice, I have been known to overcome my reluctance and stand up for my convictions. But I’m not out there at the head of the march.
When taking an unpopular stance, sometimes it’s good to recall that the first suffragettes who led the charge had soft voices and manners but they didn’t allow intimidation and opposition to stop them. Their voices only grew louder.
Hi Penelope,
I’m not surprised you stand up for your convictions. We need more folks like you to do that. As they say, we get the government we deserve. I hear people complain often about “things” yet they never take that step into action. I’d love to open a “take action” school. Hmm. Maybe I will take that action! Get wonderful ideas interacting with my smart and sassy commenters.
Thx G.
I was not popular in high school either and like you I was always aware of the popular crowd. Fast forward way too many years to count and I am the mother of a fifteen-year-old girl who appears to be quite popular.
Just last week (after only one week of practice in her lifetime) she made the varsity cheer team. I found myself disappointed that she made the team because of my long-held projections about the “popular crowd.”
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this . . . except, perhaps, to say I’m glad I didn’t try to dissuade my daughter from going for something she wanted before I got clear about my motivations.
I reined back my inner rebel just in time.
Hey Connie,
People share all sorts of things on this blog. I love that, so thanks for saying what you wanted. Congrats to your daughter — she must be a great jumper! Some men and women (it’s both now) love to cheer the others on. I’m all for everyone doing his or her own thing. Hey, being popular may be less constricting than it appeared to be when we grew up. Today, kids seem more open and diverse.
I’ll check out your site. The title of your web site intrigues me! Thx. G.
Great post. Popularity is something I have never understood. I went to a small all-girl high school and was oblivious to any real or unspoken caste system so to speak, if it existed.
But to your point, it’s true that once you’ve established a certain set of expectations from your audience/readers/clients, this pull to please could become crippling. The real problem I see is when we aim to please others, we unwittingly box ourselves in, become less likely to please ourselves and potentially do serious damage to our growth as writers/artists/creators. Not a good place to be.
Hi Belinda,
Wow! Yes, popularity can be a caste system all the way down to the “untouchables.” That’s a brilliant way to look at it. Makes me want to write an essay about some HS experiences. I wrote a speech in college about some of it – hmmm – this would be more in depth. Love it when cross-musing occurs!
It’s the first or second step to boxing yourself in, something that’s hard to get out of later in life without some really strong jaws of spiritual life.
Thx, G.
School is such a small part of our lives yet so often those years hold the most painful or joyful memories. I often wonder why.
There was a time when I was popular and there was a time when I was shunned because of my physical circumstances. The biggest lesson I have learned is that it doesn’t matter what other people think. It only matters what the people closest to me think and feel.
A lovely post. Thank you G.
Hi Tracy,
Glad you stopped by. I’ve been thinking about you! Will check out your post as I’ve met Mr. Insomnia as well …
Understanding that it doesn’t matter what people think is an important life lesson — it’s a step to personal awakening. I like what you say about the importance of what those closest to you feel. Feel often takes a backseat to think. Life situations often get crazy because we’re disconnected to what our hearts really want to do. People who love each other kept apart for strange reasons, etc.
Good to hear from you! TY.
Giulietta
Hello everyone! Who needs to be popular when you can reign as a legend in your own mind? Yes, I was a band/languages/prefect student in high school too — and no, I was not popular.
I think many see the downsides of popularity ~ and what they may really desire is simply to be noticed; to show up every day and not be so invisible all the time. That’s spirit crushing.
Tracy, I think school is the first place many of us experience Shame ~ and the stigma of that can last a life time if Awareness and Healing aren’t invited into one’s reality. Teachers and students alike can lift someone to giddying heights, or crush someone beyond devastation.
I have taken unpopular stances to make ‘my world’ a better place ~ and the push-back that follows largely roots from the fact that my ‘changing the dance’ forces others to, in some capacity, as well. When you no longer conform to expectation – people must either shift to fall back into step, or leave the dance floor altogether. You can’t always do that while on automatic pilot.
So in addition to being unpopular – I can also be found amongst those referenced as Annoying.
Hi Sally!
Forgot about the band folks … I agree with the invisible thing. It happens in adulthood as well, especially as we get older. What can be especially difficult is to be visible – feel that limelight washing over your face – and then become invisible.
Good point about taking a stance — it forces those around us to take a stance too – to go with us or stay behind or go in a different direction.
Thanks … G.
G– I was not only a cheerleader, I was co-captain of the varsity team. My senior superlative was “Most School Spirit.” Are you surprised? Not even a little? 🙂 There are blessings and curses to being popular. I really am a “cheerleader” in life… I love cheering people on. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance. And I love to entertain and perform. As I moved into adulthood, I had to acknowledge how I often neglected my own authenticity, because I was so worried about what other people think. Of all the comments, Penelope’s resonated the most (about people making demands on personal life and time). Today, I’m more interested in being authentic than popular. And I’ve found that authenticity can attract a pretty big crowd. I mean, look at all the comments on this blog. Being willing to be unpopular has made you pretty popular. Goooooo Guilietta!
Hi Angie!
You have a wonderful spirit and always cheer the rest of us on through your writing.
Life Cheerleader – a good title that says something. as you may or may not know, in my design biz, I’m always encouraging folks to custom design their title so it immediately speaks to their gift. Finding the gift is usually the challenge.
The real irony is that people will like you more if you have the courage to be yourself. The real us is always more interesting than the fabricated us.
Thanks for cheering this column on! Where will you perform? Theater?
G.