Thank your parents now. Don’t wait for the eulogy.
Hey friends,
A few years ago, I tried to come up with a gift to give my dad. He’s done well for himself financially and had everything money could buy — in triplicate. Made it hard to find something conventional — I kept striking out with my ideas. Then, on my way into the gym one morning it hit me.
Write him a thank you letter, thanking him for everything he’s done for me. Why do gifts have to be of the material kind? Who makes up these rules?
So, I crafted the letter and dropped it into the mailbox. Would he like it? I started to wonder if I’d taken my nonconformist idea a bit too far.
Two days later I got a call from him down in Florida. He said, “It was one of the best gifts he ever got and was going to frame it.”
This Christmas, I did the same thing for my mother. She cried when she opened the card with the thank you letter in it and said the same thing, adding that she’d forgotten about all these things.
Why do we wait for the eulogy to thank the people in our lives and tell them we love them? They will not be there to hear it. It’s will be too late.
I understand that some folks don’t have good relationships with their parents or have hit rough patches and may find it hard to write such a letter. I can relate to both of those. When you’re trying to be your own person, inevitably you come up against what your parents “think” you should do with your life.
It took me several decades to say, “It’s my life, I’m doing it this way.” That actually made for a better relationship with my parents because I didn’t feel like such a victim.
Once you’re an adult, no one can make you do something you don’t want to do without your permission. (Unless it’s happening during a crime.) That goes for work, home or play.
My parents are getting on in age. I feel comforted knowing that they will leave the Earth with the knowledge that I appreciated everything they did for me. These notes can go to friends as well.
Have you thanked the folks you love in your life?
Giulietta
p.s. My dad encouraged me to turn the thank you letter into a radio show that played on NPR via WGBH. You can listen to it here.
RSS
Could not agree more. But you know this about me. My Mom’s still in the shallow end of the ALZ pool, but she’s in it. I get to tell her every week and have her react like it’s the first time I’ve said it. And every time she reacts like your folks did – surprised, gratified, appreciative. One of these days she won’t recognize me so I’m taking advantage while I can.
Hi Michael,
I love that you thank your mom every week so she can feel the thrill over and over of knowing that you appreciate her. Something uplifting to be said about that despite the situation. Thanks for stopping in again! G.
Hey!!
(this is not a nice comment!)
Thank you for this post, I can guarantee you it almost made me cry (the nice way) 🙂
I would thank my mom and my grandma for the world… And I do it sometimes (should be more often)… I admire them a lot, actually, my grandmother is my idol…
But…
I couldn’t avoid thinking what I would write to my father… “Thank you for the genes… They’re great!” And I laughed…
Again, thank you 🙂
Hi Ana,
Crying cleanses! It can definitely take some memory digging to come up with appropriate thank you’s for those that have challenged us. Maybe, it’s the challenge that we need to be grateful for? Many thanks for sharing your voice here. G.
This post is interesting for me because I’ve been toying with the idea of writing and thanking (1) those people who touched me with their good deeds and let them know how much I appreciate/d them and (2) those who were negative in their behaviour toward me because they misread me. Thankfully, there are only a couple of them (of those I remember), lol. To be able to open up and tell them in all honesty my side of the story might clear the air between them and I, and pave the way for some healing or reconciliation.
Ummm… we’ll see. 😀
Hi Earthianne,
Clearing the air makes for a more peaceful life. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision. Best wishes … G.
Hi Giulietta,
What a wonderful idea and way to show how much you appreciate your parents.
I wonder if I would have written such a letter. Perhaps I’d have thanked my father for pushing me into a business career at a time when women didn’t have one. I’d thank my mother for giving me her strength and determination.
Before, I still resented their making some dreadful decisions that adversely affected both my early life and aspects of it to this day. It took a long time to realize that the most important things they gave me were to always love and believe in me. For that, I would thank them but they are long gone from this life so I’ll never have the chance to do so.
Hi Penelope,
Thank you for this lovely comment.
As you point out, most parents make at least several dreadful decisions, some lots of them. We all do. It’s hard not to.
I love the characteristics you would have thanked your parents for. We can get so caught up in the materialistic aspect of the parent-child relationship, that we forget the more loving moments.
Glad your blog is back up and running at full speed! Will check it out.
Thank you! G.
BTW, I am posting again – as of several weeks ago. My latest was “Harness the Power of Your Memories.”
I did a lessons learned from Mom post, and a lessons learned from Dad post, and they’ve treasured it since. I knew they would like it, but I didn’t realize how much. They were also surprised by how many lessons I had picked up and what really stuck.
Hi J.D.,
Now, that’s a fabulous idea for a post and a gift. Would love to read that one. Perhaps, send me a link? I do know that certain things my mother taught me have never left me. For example, she always taught me to bring a gift of thanks of some sort when going to someone’s home for a party or a dinner. And both my parents taught me to be on time. Thanks for the idea. G.
“It took me several decades to say, “It’s my life, I’m doing it this way.” That actually made for a better relationship with my parents because I didn’t feel like such a victim.”
I can absolutely relate to that! A main reason why I wanted to move out as soon as I turned 18 was my relationships to my parents.
Since then our relationship has become better and better.
As soon as it was clear that I had my own life it was much easier to accept that we were on different paths in our lifes.
Thanks for the terrific idea with the thank you letter. I’ll definitely consider doing this.
Hi Alice,
Happy to hear your relationship with your parents has improved. It often feels like each generation gives up its life for the next generation, which makes them feel like they can tell that generation what to do. The solution is for each generation to live their owns lives and not give them up. Don’t think it’s necessary or healthy for anyone.
Thank you for stopping by again! G.
What a wonderful story, Giulietta. Too often I work with clients from toxic families who need to write another kind of letter to their parents, so this is very uplifting to me. My dad is almost 90, and although we had some tough stuff in our relationship back in the day, you’ve inspired me to write to him and thank him. I think I’ll do it this week, in fact!
Hi Patty,
I’m sure your dad will love such a letter! As they say, forgiveness is an act of power …
G.
Guilietta,
I think what you did is wonderful. As both a child and a parent, I agree that we need to say things to our loved ones in this lifetime.
While my parents are now dead, I can’t really do what you did with them, but I can do it with my children. I think it goes both ways and your letter is a lovely idea to put into action.
Thank you for suggesting this:~)
Hey Sara,
I didn’t even think of sending a thank you note to one’s children. Another great idea!
j.
you’ve done it again! such an eloquent communicator. i have tears in my eyes…….i owe my mother a beautiful letter of thanks and gratitude.
in fact i am sitting here in her home with her – i owe her a hug or two.
many thanks to you and thank goodness for your rebellious nature or the rest of us would never have the benefit of your wisdom. cheers! pia
Hey Pia,
Appreciate you leaving a comment! Your mother will adore the letter from you. It might sound a bit kumbaya, but we could all use more hugs and thanks from each other. Please let me know what she says!
Thank you, G.
This is just lovely, Giulietta. Parents do so much for their children and very often don’t get a thank you for it. How nice it would be if we could memorialize a little bit of it in a love letter.
Hi Belinda,
Yes, it is a love letter. Another great way to look at it. For the most part, most parents try to do their best and even do more than their best. It’s a tough job. Thx, G.