How do I love myself? Let me count the ways
There’s a lot of self-loathing in the world. Lots of folks who don’t love or even like themselves.
I used to be one of them.
It’s hard to say for sure, but I don’t believe I entered the world disliking myself. That self-horror emerged along the way, beginning most likely when I entered first grade and the judgments began.
Before that jarring event, I communed with nature. I thought I was nature. I took delight in the daily adventures around my tiny Garden of Eden. The tall white pines, the pussy willow trees, the dreamy meadows, the hills, the lady slipper-lined paths, the tree branches, the glistening brooks – I loved it all. I don’t recall not liking anything or anyone.
Yet, that loving existence must have begun to change, perhaps imperceptibly, because by fifth grade I disliked my physical appearance and began to think ill of others. Imagine a ten-year old girl trying to hide what she believes is a gigantic butt by wearing her dad’s large shirts? When I look at pictures of myself as a ten-year old, I did not have anything even approaching the derriere I imagined in the mirror.
Then I started to believe my neck was too long. My hair too wavy. My lips too large. My thighs too big. My once theatrical, daring personality started to tighten, to go into hiding.
There were times in Junior High when my legs seemed like concrete. I’d be walking from one class to another when all of a sudden, I had the sensation that I could barely lift my legs. Looking back, I can see what I could not lift was my self-loathing. It dragged me down, made me physically, spiritually and mentally heavy. People say, “Oh that’s just adolescence.”
But it is really?
Or do we get societal messages that there is something wrong with us or we don’t measure up to some narrow standard of beauty? If you’ve ever watched Jean Kilbourne’s wonderful documentary, Killing Us Softly, then you may decide like I did that we’re taught to loathe ourselves by people who loathe themselves. How can women look like the models in airbrushed photos?
The heaviness in my legs (psyche) followed me into high school. Walking through the crowded hang out/smoking area was like wading through a sea of molasses. Eventually, I started going around the back of the building getting scratched by bramble bushes to avoid the psychological gauntlet. Oddly, I never experienced the heaviness of my legs when alone, only when in public.
The mental self-flagellation spread into other life arenas: relationships, work and friendships. I felt alone in a sea of people who seemed to have it together. My relationships brought me dissatisfaction. My work brought me angst and boredom. My outlook for a kick-ass, memorable life didn’t look too good.
So, how did I learn again to first like and then love myself?
- Rather accidentally, I started talking to other young women. That’s when I learned most of us had self-love issues and body distortion problems. Many young women even those with “flawless” figures, didn’t like their bodies either and had self-loathing thoughts. Many found themselves in crazy relationships, where they too accepted love crumbs instead of the full love loaf. People who I thought had it together, confessed they didn’t have it together and thought I’d had it together.
- Once I realized other women battled with their bodies (and minds), I tried to be more forgiving of mine. I tried to be less of a slave to “Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I the fairest of any at all?”
- I got more in touch with the adventurous child within and ventured to foreign places, sometimes alone.
- I accepted compliments. A guy I dated said, “You’ve got an awesome ass.” Another, “I love your wavy hair.” Ironically, the two things I warred with most.
- I told my inner critic bitch to “shut up.”
- I began to participate in life.
- I took acting classes.
- I got myself a therapist.
- I took singing lessons.
- I took writing classes.
- I got involved in my local community.
- I started hiking.
- I encouraged others to like themselves, too.
I can now tell you that I love my wavy hair, my wit, my singing voice, my ability to encourage others to love themselves, and my zest for life.
Perhaps you will join me in and mention a few things you LOVE about yourself?
Muse thanks! Giulietta
Enjoyed reading my story of self-love? Well, there’s more! You can also read the rest of the stories written by online personal development bloggers in a Self Love Stories Report. Evelyn Lim started the ball rolling by sharing her story in the post Self Love Story: Lessons from the Heart. She had written it in response to an intuitive call to create greater Self Love Awareness. The report, compiled with the help of Lance Ekum, will be available as a free download soon!
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Giulietta,
It’s true that everyone has issues with their bodies. It like some kind of mind virus that goes around.
School can be a dangerous place for the psyche. I would prefer to see smaller schools again instead of cram as many as you can into one building.
Hi Justin,
Mind virus! Yes, that describes it exactly. Great phrase. I share your philosophy that school can be a dangerous place for the mind. It certainly was for me. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Your post on time looks intriguing. Will check it out. G.
Giulietta,
It’s easy to “live in this vacuum” where we think there’s us, and then there’s the rest of the world (that has it all together). And it is, because it can be hard to share the condemning thoughts we have about ourselves. (except with ourselves…where it can be all too easy to share these)
At our core, we are very much the same – and that goes with our physical body (we all have bones, a heart, lungs, etc) and our emotional body (we all have feelings, etc). Sure – we are different in our physical appearances and in our emotional/mental appearances – yet, below all of that outwardly appearance…we are very much the same. And this is all good – the differences make life so much more interesting, while our amazing similarities really connect us together.
Giulietta, thank you so much for sharing your story. There is so much good in all of this – and especially in where you are today. And that’s the thing – your story connects, because we can relate to it…I can relate to it. And this all helps so much in moving more fully into loving ourselves.
Peace,
Lance
Hey Lance,
Yes, it’s so hard to share the condemning thoughts we have about ourselves. Sharing them with only ourselves fuels our anxiety and depression.
Something about our society doesn’t work well in this area. The school environment doesn’t look at children as a whole but rather as little test-taking/memorization machines. Sets the dehumanization model into motion early in life.
Thanks for asking me to participate in this self-love blogging fest. Most freeing!
Giulietta
Thank you for sharing your story, Giulietta. I’m just wondering whether you happen to know what caused you to start focusing on your appearance at fifth grade. Did something traumatic happen? Did someone say something to you?
I was insecure about my looks too when I was young. Then, as I grew up, I got fearful that I would never get married because no one would find me attractive enough. Needless to say, it was very hard to love myself.
I have since learned that looks aren’t everything. And hey, I got married and have been married for the last 10 years.
It’s great that you outlined how you’ve managed to come into loving the self. These are tips that are very helpful and inspiring! I will be sharing your post on facebook.
With love and appreciation,
Evelyn
Hi Evelyn,
I’m sure my insecurities came from a compilation of sources – parents, teachers, neighbors, relatives, other kids, magazines, advertizing, boys. Think I inhaled the messages bombarding me and decided I didn’t measure up. I recall wanting to be a blue-eyed, blonde — something that wasn’t going to happen.
One teacher I admired told me my hair looked like strands of spaghetti. After that I spent inordinate amounts of time straightening the waves.
Also absorbed messages that it was the outside that mattered. Not sure much has changed for today’s young girls. It sometimes looks even more brutal.
Thx! G.
I can pinpoint the moment in childhood when my perceptions of myself began to change. And I can identify the moment after college, when I slowly began to get my spirit back. What people say about us is not nearly as powerful as what we believe about ourselves. I love the quote “You think, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
Hi Angie,
Glad you can pinpoint the moment when your self assessment changed and then when you re-assessed yourself.
It’s a great quote. I’m wondering if the person who wrote it underwent a similar rebirth?
I’ve noticed how hungry people are for inspirational quotes. Am guessing that our need for such quotes reflects what’s lacking in our lives.
So happy that negative self-perceptions can be reversed. Thx, G.
Giulietta, Reading this made me sad for the child and young adult who was you and the way you missed out on what should have been some of your best years. And all because of societal messages about physical appearance. I have to agree that this teenage emphasis on physicality can lead to self-loathing and a host of other problems later in life that (coming from abroad)seem to be so prevalent in the U.S. I emphasize “in the U.S” because in other countries, just getting a good education and having a future is often much more important than physical appearance. In this country, “societal messages” about our physicality scream at us all the time vs. other countries where this is usually reserved for movie stars, entertainment and high society figures.
Personally, as a teen I never had a problem with physicality until I reached the U.S. (at 17) and its importance was thrust on me – whether or not I wanted or needed it. Prior to coming here, while I loved to dress up and preen, I was much more concerned that people/boys would be attracted by my mind than by my appearance. These days, in middle age, it’s all about wrinkles and face lifts and staying young at any cost as if it were a crime to let myself grow old as we used to say, graciously.
One of my sons (brought up in Mexico) was skinny, very plain, and rather resembled an owl as a teen. He was also happy, well-balanced, very popular, and remembers those years as magical. His appearance never bothered him at all. He knew who he was and was happy in his being. I wonder how he would have fared in an American school where he’d have been seen as weird (he was, a bit), a nerd, or an outsider. Would his classmates have found him as appealing here or would he have been forced into a corner of self-loathing?
Hey Penelope,
It took me many years of de-programming to even consider a man liking me for my mind instead of my facade. Quite a heavy load for a young woman to bear, yet many of us did.
Yes, movie stars go to great lengths to stay young in appearance. A few, like Diane Keaton, have chose to age naturally and live in that space rejoicing in what it brings. It’s a myth that older women cannot be sexy or desirable or marketable. She proves it in her movies over and over.
I’m not sure what your son’s fate might have been in an American school. In my high school, those who deviated too much from the acceptable looks norm inhabited the sidelines. I’m sure some had no problem with this while others felt left out.
For the longest time, I could only date men that had the football-type physique, giving absolutely no thought to personality. Downright weird!
Thx for the thoughtful comment … G.
Hi Giulietta,
Thanks for sharing this story. In early years we are often comparing ourselves with someone/thing to whom that we may aspire. In other words we ‘externalise’. Those souls who wise up & realise that you are you & no one else set about living their own lives. Thoae who don’t wise up, well, they just keep on comparing & trying to catch up to others.
be good to yourself
David
P.S I got tired of “comparing” a while back, not good for the soul,I’m stuck with me
Hi David,
I like the phrase “trying to catch up with others.” The sooner one decides not to do this, the more enjoyable life becomes. Way better for the soul! Thank you for joining us. You’ve got some great titles on your blog! G.
Hey Giulietta,
I must tackle this as a Father of a 13 year old, wonderful and beautiful, daughter. Her role models have been strategically placed and not by Hollywood or magazines. That is the way ‘they’ define beauty. Not us. We pour into her the importance of what’s inside. She will one day set sail on the vast sea and our hope is that she will offer the world far more than a pretty smile.
Hey Rob,
Your daughter is fortunate to have parents and other seasoned folks stressing the importance of what’s inside. That would make a good program because I’m guessing a lot of parents don’t even consider that option. The pressure to look like models who don’t even look like themselves bombards women of all ages. I’d love to read a magazine with real, un-airbrushed men and women in it. (hmm. Maybe I should start it?) I’m glad you stopped by and joined us. Will check out your blog, too! G.
Hi Giulietta, Thanks for sharing these though about the old you. I was one that didn’t like my nose, so I got good at doing my hair thinking this would distract from my nose. Hey, it worked for me.
It is want is in the inside that counts and that is what children need to be taught.
Thanks again and blessing to you, Debbie
Thanks for visiting the blog Debbie! I agree that children need to be encouraged to see that what’s on the inside counts.
Maybe we need a national movement?
Thank you! G.
Giulietta: What a great message and post. We really do have to find our way to loving ourselves and that can definitely be a journey. I think once we realize like you did that this is something other people struggle with, we understand that we are similar to other people. Thanks for sharing your story and this message.
Hey Sibyl,
I like that you’ve pointed out that other people struggle with this. We often feel divided because we’re not encouraged to go beneath the surface and talk about important stuff. Thanks for visiting Take Back Your Life so often! G.
> zest for life
You gotta love that.
No matter where in life we go, there we are. A zest for life brings the best out.
Hello J.D.,
I really appreciate your comment when I post something. It can get time consuming, so thank you.
Love your quote about wherever we go, there we are.
It took me awhile to figure out that I cannot escape from myself, so it’s important to get right with myself.
Thx, G.
LOVE this (and you!)
Hi Allison,
Great to have you back! Love that you love it. thx, g.